the fruits of my tearful labor

all done. this is "i feel pretty". acrylics on canvas.

the white picket fence

today that shall be my metaphor for the boundaries i need to have... not a wall, or a tower, or something barricading me inside... just a little white picket fence. or maybe a black, wrought iron fence with really ornate, gothic, spiky things on top of the posts? yeah, that's more like me. it needs to be something that lets some sunshine through, not something that will take a jackhammer to break down. something easily opened, or scaled, should the need arise. fuck...

so, i am really bad at setting boundaries for myself. actually, i set them all the time, i am just really bad with that whole follow through part. i tell myself i am going to allow so much, and then i completely disregard that line when its being danced upon.

so, on goes the argument between my head and my heart.

art, music, friends, my kids, all these outside of me things to keep me distracted. i actually went to sleep last night by one, knocked out to the techno beats coming from my computer and pandora (thanks josh:)... woke up at one point and for a minute i didn't know where i was. hadn't had that happen in a while. lying across the bed sideways, surrounded by bunnies, who no doubt were conspiring against me while i slept... wondering why i was so worn out and had no time to play with them. i so very much feel like a child most days, confused, scared, and lost; but playful, and full of new found life at the same time. i have a world of experiences ahead of me today, and no one there to tell me how ridiculous or pointless those experiences are.

i remember being a kid, wishing i was a grown up so i could do whatever i wanted to do... ha!

so, i keep on movin and groovin all through the night i guess... (debs little brady moment there) doing the next best thing for me and my kids, and having some faith that things will be what they are supposed to be, whenever they are supposed to be that way. time to turn off the switch that tells me i need to analyze shit to death, and just go with the flow of life...

thats my goal for a while, to just take things as they come, not put any expectations on anyone, and be okay.

we'll see how that works out for me and i'll let ya know...

on an artistic note, i am working on a new painting... should be done in the next couple days. i will post pics when it is done...

searching for my pot of gold now...

things are looking up. i have a much better outlook now, more than likely to my new found acceptance about several situations in my life. i need to sit down and lay out a plan... a new goals list, seeing as how the old one is pretty much done. school is definitely in the cards, and after that who knows what else.

the artists against aids show is coming up soon, and i am excited. i have at least five pieces i am putting in, a couple of old ones, and a few of the new ones i recently did in my manic fit of depression. i think parting with those pieces will be a good thing, help the cleansing process begin... or should i say continue, because it has already started. i have an incredible amount of peace with the whole situation right now... and for a bunch of different reasons. i am just grateful that i am not feeling so completely lost anymore, because that was really wearing me down.

so... forward motion. planning and achieving goals. continuing to be a responsible, productive member of society. blah blah blah..................

i am excited about this new path that i am on. :) i will keep you guys posted. (whoever you may be!)

feeling resolved

ive been waiting for that for days now... and i am grateful for it.

every reason i can think of for changing my mind is not for me. and i refuse to make decisions about my life, or my emotional well being, based on how i am afraid other people will take it. what i want most is to feel good about myself. and by being true to my heart and self, i am getting a little bit of that feeling. i know that if i continue on the path that i am setting out for myself now, i will be okay. there will be some hurt feelings in the meantime, but i can't allow that to affect my decision making process. i need to take care of myself first, and my children next.

there is a light at the end of this seemingly never-ending tunnel now...

getting out of myself

that is my new way of dealing with it all. if i can just keep finding something to do, some project to work on, some workshop or play or friend in need... then i dont have time to deal with what i am feeling. everytime i think i got a handle on things, something new pops up, or just a feeling that hadn't surfaced yet comes to life. i am getting pretty close to having my meltdown, which i believe i am entitled to have, even if its only for an hour. the confusion i am feeling right now, i just cant sort out. i am feeling like what i feel is wrong, artificial, and should be put aside in a drawer somewhere... as if i will forget about it. now, i believe that actions can be wrong, but how is it possible that feelings are wrong? aren't all feelings valid? regardless of how or when the feelings start, i am allowed to have them. what sucks is not being able to express them, for fear of rejection, judgement, hurting people... and mostly being told what i am doing, or want to be doing, is wrong.

so, what do i do? i suck it up. act like everything is fuckin peachy. when i really feel like i am dying inside. i am trying so hard to be okay, and i am not doing well with that at all. i just want to run away from all of it.

uncertainty...

been full of new art lately. which usually means one of two things: a) i am riding the highs of my bipolar rollercoaster... or b) i am struggling emotionally, and need an outlet that doesn't require words. and i think i would have to say that at the moment i am battling back and forth between the two. my life has dramatically changed over the past week, and i honestly believe it is in my best interest. even if, for the time being, i am a total basket case. my relationship of over six years has skid to a screeching halt, and i am currently dealing with the whiplash. not much eating or sleeping going on, and i am really fighting to keep a posistive attitude. especially where my kids are involved. i know that in time i am going to be okay...

so, i am now on the path to self discovery. and let me tell ya, it is a very confusing journey so far. doubt, uncertainty, regret, disappointment, heartache, sadness, fear, rejection... all have been experienced over the past six days, and most in groups of two or three. if it weren't for the overwhelming sense of relief, i wouldn't think any of this would be worth it.

so, for those of you who visit me here, i'll share some of the fruits of my tearful labor. i'll be posting more soon.