the white picket fence

today that shall be my metaphor for the boundaries i need to have... not a wall, or a tower, or something barricading me inside... just a little white picket fence. or maybe a black, wrought iron fence with really ornate, gothic, spiky things on top of the posts? yeah, that's more like me. it needs to be something that lets some sunshine through, not something that will take a jackhammer to break down. something easily opened, or scaled, should the need arise. fuck...

so, i am really bad at setting boundaries for myself. actually, i set them all the time, i am just really bad with that whole follow through part. i tell myself i am going to allow so much, and then i completely disregard that line when its being danced upon.

so, on goes the argument between my head and my heart.

art, music, friends, my kids, all these outside of me things to keep me distracted. i actually went to sleep last night by one, knocked out to the techno beats coming from my computer and pandora (thanks josh:)... woke up at one point and for a minute i didn't know where i was. hadn't had that happen in a while. lying across the bed sideways, surrounded by bunnies, who no doubt were conspiring against me while i slept... wondering why i was so worn out and had no time to play with them. i so very much feel like a child most days, confused, scared, and lost; but playful, and full of new found life at the same time. i have a world of experiences ahead of me today, and no one there to tell me how ridiculous or pointless those experiences are.

i remember being a kid, wishing i was a grown up so i could do whatever i wanted to do... ha!

so, i keep on movin and groovin all through the night i guess... (debs little brady moment there) doing the next best thing for me and my kids, and having some faith that things will be what they are supposed to be, whenever they are supposed to be that way. time to turn off the switch that tells me i need to analyze shit to death, and just go with the flow of life...

thats my goal for a while, to just take things as they come, not put any expectations on anyone, and be okay.

we'll see how that works out for me and i'll let ya know...

on an artistic note, i am working on a new painting... should be done in the next couple days. i will post pics when it is done...