getting out of myself

that is my new way of dealing with it all. if i can just keep finding something to do, some project to work on, some workshop or play or friend in need... then i dont have time to deal with what i am feeling. everytime i think i got a handle on things, something new pops up, or just a feeling that hadn't surfaced yet comes to life. i am getting pretty close to having my meltdown, which i believe i am entitled to have, even if its only for an hour. the confusion i am feeling right now, i just cant sort out. i am feeling like what i feel is wrong, artificial, and should be put aside in a drawer somewhere... as if i will forget about it. now, i believe that actions can be wrong, but how is it possible that feelings are wrong? aren't all feelings valid? regardless of how or when the feelings start, i am allowed to have them. what sucks is not being able to express them, for fear of rejection, judgement, hurting people... and mostly being told what i am doing, or want to be doing, is wrong.

so, what do i do? i suck it up. act like everything is fuckin peachy. when i really feel like i am dying inside. i am trying so hard to be okay, and i am not doing well with that at all. i just want to run away from all of it.